Under the Teflon Couch

Facing your fears....

Lately I have been doing things I have avoided my entire life: public speaking, driving over scary bridges, and even confronting mean scary giants. It's amazing to see how you can grow and develop with encouragement and faith! First, let's address the public speaking fear. Ever since I had to read a paper to my high school World History class and completely lost in in front of the entire class, I have avoided speaking in public. Avoided at all costs. I almost didn't come to law school because of it. Last week, we had our dreaded oral arguments. Every 1L, even the ones who you can picture on the back of a phone book, cower at the sound of the letters "o" and "a" together. OA consists of a 15 minute speech, that you work on all semester, and then the second you open your mouth, 3 judges start asking you questions that you never could possibly imagine. You try to think of all possible questions, but can you ever predict hearing "Well, we don't go to the cow pound and get cows, do we?" What??? So, I woke up that morning to a racing heart, curling stomach, and shaking hands. It only worsened as the day progressed. My argument wasn't until 7PM. When I stood up to say "May it please the court" all of the fear left my body (except the fear that I would say condom instead of common and pubic instead of public). It was invigorating. It's not my bag, but at least I know that when I have to fight for someone, I can get it out. Second, I have always avoided bridges. They also make my heart race, stomach curl, and hands shake. There is one in particular, The Matthews Bridge, just down the street from my house, that is super scary. I took it twice this month, on purpose, by myself. It's like I'm not even scared of them anymore. Third, I have never been one to confront scary, mean people, especially big giant grumpy ones. I did today, and it was nice: frustrating, but nice. It is the first time I have ever stood up for myself, and others, without being shaky and insecure. It's easy when you know that something needs to be said to initiate change, but no one else will say it. Hopefully I did the right thing and he will think about the way he treats other people, at least every once in a while, at least even once.
What are some of your fears that you have conquered or want to conquer?

Stop Sign

Octagon
Red, White, 8 and a half feet tall
Stop, pause, roll through?
What do we do?
Signs, directions, misdirections
Follow or pursue?
What do we do?
Direct, indirect, do we see?
Red, White, miniscule
Invisible

Amendment

I have to file a supplemental amendment to my I hate money rant. I would be devastated if I could no longer eat dark chocolate. My new favorite: Ghirardelli Citrus Sunset. Try it, you'll like it.

The Root of All Evil

What I really hate about money is what it does to people. When I was a little girl I watched my parents struggle every day. They used every penny they had to put me in private school and make sure I was more than taken care of. I always felt privileged and loved, and what they don't know is that I knew what they were sacrificing. I used to cry myself to sleep at night thinking of how I was going to tell my dad that I dropped my glue at school and needed a new bottle. I will never forget what that was like. So, when I grew up, I attached much more importance to material wealth than I ever care to admit. I didn't realize it until a few years ago. It didn't motivate me, but it definitely kept me in a place I didn't belong. Money can afford us a sense of comfort that is hard to break away from. I hate that money can do that to people, good people who really don't even care about money. It can be so freeing to let that false sense of comfort go. So now, I don't even think about money. I pay my bills, I buy beer, I feed my dog, and if I feel like running out and buying a pair of jeans with my last $50 bucks, I do it. Somehow I know that I will have what I need, even if my bank account disagrees. I refuse, admittedly to a fault, to think about it. I will worry about stuff when it happens. I don't even have a credit card ( I know). I refuse to let it control me, unless I'm twisting my logic and by not letting it control me, it really controls me. I digress. What I'm really trying to say is that I am blessed to have the material things that I have, but if I lose everything, I really don't care. Not even a little. I know its dangerous to be so oblivious, but for me, having been on both sides, it is the only way I can be and keep my head where it needs to be and keep my motivations true. I'm pretty sure that I am overcompensating for mistakes that I have made in the past, but I think I have to in order to understand exactly what I have to learn. Maybe there is a more realistic balance, and I'm sure that in the future when I have to provide for people other than myself I will change, but I'm happy with being poor in the pocket and rich in spirit: I feel free and know that when I do what I do I am not doing it for some arbitrary, false reason.